Concepts of relationships are nothing new. “I love the idea of you” is a thing I’ve said and been told. It’s a slightly more aesthetically pleasing way of telling a romantic potential that something just isn’t quite right with who they are right now, and you should see other people to find someone whose presence manifests your dreams. It’s a great breakup strategy for people pleasers, too. “I love the idea of you,” if you really mean it, is so much more than a way of letting someone down easy, though. I think it’s a profound concept that hints at something deeper.
In a romantic context I see someone, see them be kind to a stranger, and imagine them being kind to our kids one day. Having a dream about them can shape an entire view of the way they (probably) act behind closed doors, the way they’re (probably) bound to treat their lover, and how they can (probably) do no wrong. Who doesn’t build up being with someone in their head? When reality strikes and the Superhuman inevitably shows their humanity in disappointing the Imaginer, it feels like double the heartbreak: one heartbreak in reality, one heartbreak in the imagination.
As I said in the first sentence of this post, this concept is nothing new when it comes to relationships. But what about friendships?
Before and after romance, there is friendship. With other people. At least, I hope there is. The ability to cultivate and maintain a friendship is a benchmark in my standards for my choice of a partner. If they can’t be a good friend, how could that create anything but a codependent and unbalanced relationship? So, by my way of thinking, many friendships last longer than romantic relationships (This optimistic way of thinking probably has absolutely nothing to do with my parents’ divorce! Bias has absolutely no affect on me whatsoever. Nope, not ol’ Masey Mase! Purely objective thinking here). *I’m going to end my typing of this section for now and come back after I’ve done some research.* Okay, I googled it. According to Cross River Therapy’s website, the average friendship lasts 17 years. According to Weinman and Associates’ website, the average marriage lasts 7 to 8 years. So maybe we should be investing in our friendships a little deeper.
Anywho, now that we’ve used our deductive reasoning skills to determine that nobody is good, everyone will let us down, and we might as well curl up to die in a hole and hiss at anyone who tries to extend an olive branch, let’s talk about romance again. If there’s one thing I’m learning from my observation of healthy points in my own relationships and successful ones outside of my life it’s that concepts and romanticizing someone is just about forgiveness. A step deeper than that, to truly forgive you should see the other person, not the action. We forgive because we see more than the action. And more importantly, we finally feel at home when we are forgiven for inevitably letting down a person we’ve trusted with seeing the part of us that needs to be forgiven.
It feels straight out of a beautiful movie on the surface, but to love the idea of someone is limiting. Putting them in a box like that is disrespectful, selfish, and an insult to their humanity. What makes life so beautiful? I think it’s discovery. In the same way that I wouldn’t want to leave my house every day with a script that I had to use, I’d rather my friends surprise me with their humanity. I’d rather be surprised by humanity than comforted by their uniformity.
So, after giving myself the prompt “is the idea of a friend better than an actual friend” to write about when I first came up with the idea of this writing project, I’ve come to my conclusion: the idea of a friend is not better than a friend. The friend is the one who gives us the idea of what a friend looks like.
There's a part of me that is always looking for more, and I feel restless as soon as I feel I know someone. So this is my attempt at understanding that friendships aren't a conquerable feat. They're ever-changing and will never be exactly the same from one day to the next. Not if you don't let them be.
Discovering the idea of friendship is an adventure, so sign me up.
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