7. Life After the Church, Pt. 1: a Warning About Community

“You can answer no to this. But…are we good? I know I’ve probably done things to hurt you without knowing. I want to check on our friendship because it feels different.”

This is what friendship heartbreak sounds like, and a question that’s been ringing in my head since the day it was asked of me. I didn’t have an answer to this question that was nearly as gentle and elegant as the way it was asked. But honestly, the answer couldn’t be a “yes” with no questions asked. 

There’s something about the community around deconstruction that is bathed in resentment. Being bold and telling it how it is sometimes feels like the only way to maintain self worth and the only way to feel heard. I can’t overstate how valid this is. The systems of oppression that are disguised as systems of freedom have caused irreparable damage to many, many people. But sometimes I don’t want to be angry at the people and systems who hurt me and hurt the people I love without meaning to. Sometimes I just want to be back to “normal,” in a place where my innermost self feels loved because my facade is loved. It’s lonely out here, man. 

I couldn’t fully answer yes to the question above. A friendship that I formed in ministry won’t be the same when I’m no longer in ministry in the same way that a friend I made painting won’t be the same if I lose my vision. I hesitate to really go down this road mentally because it was so tough last time I wrote about it, but there’s no map to this kind of grief. It’s almost comforting to dwell on the good parts that I miss sometimes. There is no “Church of Deconstruction” that I know of. If there is, I don’t want to go. A church formed around heartbreak would be painful. There is no church of grief, there is only grief counseling. There is only “let’s get through this and build our lives around the hole in our heart because we’ll never fill it.”

Relationships built on disdain aren’t what I want. Years later, it’s difficult to find as much relatability in any aspect of my life without it. 

I don’t know if this community-shaped hole will ever be as full as it used to be. 

There was a huge line at the coffee shop today so I got a late start and need to cut this short. Maybe that’s for the better, to be honest. I’m not sure how much good it does to dwell.